i have a disability, it doesn’t turn off and on, the moods vary and change, but the disability will never go away.
I am upfront, honest, I call a spade a spade, I don’t mince my words, i have high expectations of myself, sometimes these expectations are just too high, but i always strive to be better. im emotional, highly sensitive and extremely empathetic, i try to see the good in everyone and trust everyone and as a result i am vulnerable and constantly leave myself open to critism and hurt. im creative and outgoing and fun and bubbly, i love to laugh and have a great sense of humor, some may say i can be ruder than a man 😉 i try to be everything to everyone, superwoman, mother, sister, daughter, student, friend. if i see someone that needs help, something that needs doing, i will exhaust myself trying to help everyone else. but i have to be careful sometimes that im not doing this to emotionally put myself elsewhere to avoid looking at how I am really feeling.
i need to heal myself daily. and forgive myself nightly. I take responcibility for ALL my actions, whether or not i was aware at the time that what i was doing was wrong or hurtful or just not ‘me’ because it was still ME doing the actions, my actions when elevated are a lot more destructive than my actions when low. However i am learning to manage my actions better. im still not there, i may never be able to fully control it, but hey, Rome wasnt built in a day.
i believe that wellness is something that i will always have to fight to maintain daily. I need to control, medicate, and live with my disability daily. I research ALL the time ways to help myself, new techniques, dietary changes, medications, holistic health.
i constantly over-explain myself trying to get others to understand me, i have this incredible need to be liked and respected, to have others want to be around me. i WANT them to understand me and when im talking about something i will try to explain till im blue in the face so that i can be sure that they get what im talking about. in effect im basically just confusing them more.
sometimes i tend to rush into things rather than taking my time and thinking them through more carefully. i latch onto something that i think is a good idea, especially if it revolves around helping someone and i just try so hard to turn it into a reality, its not until later on when i step back and realise that its completely unachievable, or just really damn stupid.
My world isnt Black and White, it not only has shades of Grey, but there are speckles of blue, orange, red and yellow through it too. i dont just look at things and see them as they are, i try so hard to understand them too, to dissect them and completely see things inside and out and upside down and twirled around.
Trying so hard, every day. IS tiring, to actively monitor my mood, thoughts and feelings constantly, to keep check on myself IS tiring. i need to spend time daily actively sitting back and reflecting on myself, my day, and make sure that i am in stable mind.
i will never fully recover from this illness/disability/syndrome/disorder this is with me for life. i cant control IF my mood changes or when it changes, but im learning more and more every day ways to control and lessen the effects when the mood changes do occur.
I can only be, the best person that I can be.
“I’m fine, but I’m bipolar. I’m on seven medications, and I take medication three times a day. This constantly puts me in touch with the illness I have. I’m never quite allowed to be free of that for a day. It’s like being a diabetic.” Carrie Fisher
“You can’t reason yourself back into cheerfulness any more than you can reason yourself into an extra six inches in height.” Stephen Fry
“Bipolar disorder is a severe and debilitating psychiatric disorder with an unpredictable course and a high impact on social and occupational life. Historically, personality has been considered a vulnerability factor or a behavioral marker for bipolar disorder. It also has been proposed that personality may shape the clinical presentation or outcome of affective disorders or that personality may be modified by repeated mood episodes. Bipolar disorder and specific personality traits may even share a common familial or genetic predisposition.” (The National Center for Biotechnology Information)
“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Thomas Edison
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“It doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you not stop!” Confusious
“Falling down is not defeat … Defeat is, when you refuse to get up.” Paulo Coelho