what do YOU expect from others?

This is in regards to mental health: (but can be taken in a personal context too im sure – if it fits for you)

so much lately within so many mediums ive seen people comment that what supports, friendships, professional opinions, non professional opinions, funded supports, non profit societies, are available to them arent enough, the time on a radio show talking about something isnt enough, or the way the radio show does things isnt good enough, or the volunteering by others or non government funded aids available arent enough, or dont give enough or dont do enough.

there is ever only so much someone else can do for you. someone else cannot make you better, they can give you the tools to guide you to wellness, they can give you the tools to recognise or cope, but other people, organisations, supports, CANNOT fix you. you are in charge of that.

and if you think you can do it so much better, then go ahead, whats stopping you?

look at the excuses you make for not trying. whose fault is this? its noone elses. you are still in control of you.  when you wake in the morning and you just dont want to move, you dont want to be here, you dont want to get up. you have the choice to force yourself to get up even though you dont want to. (but you know it will help) and just go through the motions of your day to stay in routine, because eventually it will become easy.

or you can stay in bed. day in. day out. not be well and try and make it everyone elses problem.

Depression is a bitch. but its nobodies fault. you have to force yourself to take control of it and stop expecting others to fix it for you.

life just doesnt work like that.

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mood and other BiPolar crap.

my mood is admittedly shocking at the moment. im low and ick. im putting on a friendly face bouncing around like everything is fine. trying to force myself out of feeling this way. im constantly tired again, im neglecting a few things around the house, putting time and energy into other things to avoid the things that need doing.

then im having periods where i feel fine and happy, i feel like nothing can touch me, and i realise a bit that if i get to that ‘superwoman’ status again, and it happens increasingly and for longer periods, then im in trouble.

so now i have to control it. i know what has set me off. which is a first. but i do know. therefor i have the time to plan and work on it not escalating. so i talked to my PSW last week (I have a Mind and Body Peer Support Worker who i see weekly to work on goals, life, achievements, wellness) so here is what i have done so far.

i have seen my PSW, and made my next appointment with her, i have narrowed down counselors to two that i like the look of, so Tuesday i will be contacting them, i have got the number of a wellness center that does stress and muscle relief massage, homeopathy, and lots of other natural treatments, so i will be contacting them on Tuesday to talk about options there too.  the next thing is a GP visit, im not on a mood stabiliser at the moment, i havent been until the Lithium a year or so ago. which of course i had major reactions to (vomiting, nausea, migraines, shaking, extreme thirst, insomnia) they took me off the Epilum i was on after i gave birth to Benjamin because it wasnt working fast enough for the Drs liking.

so another thing i need to look at is a mood stabiliser, because this yo yoing, even though minor, will increase and as i know can become intense and full on again. i cant allow that.

im sick of feeling so vulnerable and stressed, overwhelmed and confused, this is what is setting me off and im over bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, being so lost and feeling just so ick.

i know my writing is pretty blah at the moment too. but it still does help for me to write this stuff out. helps me work through the steps a bit easier.

it is definitely mood lifting to have my hair cut though, my head feels so much lighter, its amazing the confidence i get just from a hair cut!

i guess through feeling so lost and overwhelmed its forcing me to find my way again, and because i cant yet find my way, at least im starting to draw the map huh?


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wanna see the result :p (hair)

This is it! although it is straightened with GHDs, i can fluff it, straightened it, flatten it, boof it, i can have products in it, no products in it, spike it, freak it, funky it, groom it, sophisticate it!

i love it 🙂 thank you Leah xxx

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Hair – part 2

so my appointment is tomorrow now. not next week!

i want short. funky. razor. pointy. if you look at my profile ive had something like it before. my last haircut actually. My stepsisinlaw Shannon did it, and it rocked my socks so much. but she lives forever away :p

so. heres some pics of ones i like.

what do ya reckon? :p

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Hair. i need your input!! (sneaky mini prize too)

love it, or hate it, most of us have it.

not icky body hair. but on your head. and i used to be such a hair geek. worked in a hair salon when i was a teenager, loved it. wanted so bad to be a hairdresser, couldnt. shit happens.

but most of my life ive always had funky hair. coloured hair, cut hair, styled. i hate to think the amount of money ive spent in products in my life.

but i still dont own a pair of straighteners or a hairdryer.


i need to rectify that one!

so. i need recommendations PLEASE

Low price Straighteners? (id love to get expensive GHDs etc, but thats not going to happen) best brands? good stories bad stories?

what do i look for in a hairdryer?

and style.

my hair is the longest its ever been. look.

its horrible, its so damn thick and ugly, i have so many coarse ugly greys through the centre of it. i never know what to do with it so i tie it up, i get headaches with how heavy it is. i dont cope with long hair at all. and this is LONG for me. way too freakin long.

next week im getting it cut off. im thinking #1 cut.

yeah, i kinda was a bit serious for a few fleeting seconds. if it wasnt winter!

i like cropped, i like short and funky, i like razor cuts and texture and colour and style and shape.

im not a elegant person. i dont DO perfect hair. i strive for imperfection and difference.

what should i do? what kind of cut do you think i would suit?

i will do some research, come back with some ideas, but id love to see what you can come up with! there may even be a small prize drawn out of all the ideas.

give me your best shot 🙂


Posted in #projectCarla, life oh life | 5 Comments

Flat. (innermost thoughts)

flat and lost. i think that is the only way i can describe myself right now.

ive been knocked over and im damn scared to stand back up. i force myself to. but i really dont want to. i want to hide in my bed. hide and just be. cry and just be. i dont want to see anyone or go anywhere. but im making myself still carry on as usual. i hate every freaking minute of it. but i know that if i let myself stay down. its going to be so damn hard to come back up again. i cannot go there. as much as it sounds silly i want to go there. i want to just hide.

i feel safe when im hiding. when im on my own. in my hole. when i have no interaction. because noone can hurt me. noone can see me. noone can gossip about me or spread false lies or manipulate or judge me.

what the fuck has this world come to when the people i trust the most. hurt me so bad. betray my trust and my confidence. take my deepest fears and rub my face in it. is it fun for them? to be so hurtful and malicious and deceitful? do they get their jollies out of it? go on, tell me? is your world so bad and so horrible that you have to turn mine into that too?

fuck you. no fucking way. this is MY world. this is MY life, online or offline, i am me. i cannot be anyone else i dont pretend to be anyone else, you can think what you want of me. you can say what you want. as long as I go to bed every night knowing i havent done wrong. then in my heart i am happy.

what gives you the right to hurt me? to play on my biggest fears of being watched, or being led on and letting me put my trust into you. having you shit on that has sent me crashing through the floor.

the deep low hit me yesterday at about midday. i have a really heavy period (tmi. meh) and feeling a bit ick anyway. had a cuppa tea with a friend, and as i was driving home i started crying and couldnt stop. i got home, i climbed into bed and i did the ugly cry. from that moment i havent wanted to get up again. ive forced myself to. but if i allowed myself to have a choice. i would stay there. its easier. its safe. i feel so ugly right now. so massively fat and ugly. so i eat. and i eat shit. and i feel sick for doing it. i just feel so freaking ugly.

what gives someone the right to be so mean? if they dont get their own way, nastyness comes in. im not saying im an angel. im not. im not saying im always right. because im not (i just say i am 😉 ) my blog isnt some attention seeking load of bullshit. its my innermost thoughts and feelings. its my voice. its a voice of someone who doesnt know their way but is trying really hard to find it. but i get knocked back so much, shit on so damn much. sometimes its hard to keep going. sometimes its hard to hear negative criticism or nastyness. i want to live in my own fantasy land of everyone getting along, people being kind and gentle and nice.

attracting the hurtful wankers in my life is becoming tiring. and i have absolutely no understanding at all of why some would go to the lengths they have. to spend all that time and energy. it worries me, scares me, but at the same time fascinates me. i want to get into their head. know why they think im such an awful person that deserves to be hurt.

im a noone really i spend all my time at home, i study a bit, im a mum. i dont get out, im just me. so why am i such an easy target? why am i the one that gets this shit constantly.

i cant live my life not trusting people. i refuse to. but because i trust so easily, it gets broken so easily by others.

who the hell gives you that right. to knock me back.

what the hell gives me the right to feel knocked back. to let it get to me so easily.

Fuck you. i will get up tomorrow.  i may not want to. but i will. i will hold my head up high. i will stand proud. and i will know because i DO know. that im a good person. im not perfect. perfect is boring. but i am good. and through this pain. there will be a good tomorrow.


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my BiPolar Personality

i have a disability, it doesn’t turn off and on, the moods vary and change, but the disability will never go away.

I am upfront, honest, I call a spade a spade, I don’t mince my words, i have high expectations of myself, sometimes these expectations are just too high, but i always strive to be better. im emotional, highly sensitive and extremely empathetic, i try to see the good in everyone and trust everyone and as a result i am vulnerable and constantly leave myself open to critism and hurt. im creative and outgoing and fun and bubbly, i love to laugh and have a great sense of humor, some may say i can be ruder than a man 😉 i try to be everything to everyone, superwoman, mother, sister, daughter, student, friend. if i see someone that needs help, something that needs doing, i will exhaust myself trying to help everyone else. but i have to be careful sometimes that im not doing this to emotionally put myself elsewhere to avoid looking at how I am really feeling.

i need to heal myself daily. and forgive myself nightly. I take responcibility for ALL my actions, whether or not i was aware at the time that what i was doing was wrong or hurtful or just not ‘me’ because it was still ME doing the actions, my actions when elevated are a lot more destructive than my actions when low. However i am learning to manage my actions better. im still not there, i may never be able to fully control it, but hey, Rome wasnt built in a day.

i believe that wellness is something that i will always have to fight to maintain daily. I need to control, medicate, and live with my disability daily.  I research ALL the time ways to help myself, new techniques, dietary changes, medications, holistic health.

i constantly over-explain myself trying to get others to understand me, i have this incredible need to be liked and respected, to have others want to be around me. i WANT them to understand me and when im talking about something i will try to explain till im blue in the face so that i can be sure that they get what im talking about. in effect im basically just confusing them more.

sometimes i tend to rush into things rather than taking my time and thinking them through more carefully. i latch onto something that i think is a good idea, especially if it revolves around helping someone and i just try so hard to turn it into a reality, its not until later on when i step back and realise that its completely unachievable, or just really damn stupid.

My world isnt Black and White, it not only has shades of Grey, but there are speckles of blue, orange, red and yellow through it too. i dont just look at things and see them as they are, i try so hard to understand them too, to dissect them and completely see things inside and out and upside down and twirled around.

Trying so hard, every day. IS tiring, to actively monitor my mood, thoughts and feelings constantly, to keep check on myself IS tiring. i need to spend time daily actively sitting back and reflecting on myself, my day, and make sure that i am in stable mind.

i will never fully recover from this illness/disability/syndrome/disorder this is with me for life. i cant control IF my mood changes or when it changes, but im learning more and more every day ways to control and lessen the effects when the mood changes do occur.

I can only be, the best person that I can be.

“I’m fine, but I’m bipolar. I’m on seven medications, and I take medication three times a day. This constantly puts me in touch with the illness I have. I’m never quite allowed to be free of that for a day. It’s like being a diabetic.” Carrie Fisher

“You can’t reason yourself back into cheerfulness any more than you can reason yourself into an extra six inches in height.”  Stephen Fry

“Bipolar disorder is a severe and debilitating psychiatric disorder with an unpredictable course and a high impact on social and occupational life. Historically, personality has been considered a vulnerability factor or a behavioral marker for bipolar disorder. It also has been proposed that personality may shape the clinical presentation or outcome of affective disorders or that personality may be modified by repeated mood episodes. Bipolar disorder and specific personality traits may even share a common familial or genetic predisposition.” (The National Center for Biotechnology Information) 

“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”  Thomas Edison

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt 

“It doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you not stop!” Confusious

“Falling down is not defeat …  Defeat is, when you refuse to get up.”  Paulo Coelho


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