Some may argue LaLa land….
you can make up your own mind if you havent already 🙂
i have a lot of randomness going around in my head at the moment, this past month has been full of highs and lows.
i think the biggest low for me, is the fact that my mother is moving to Australia in only a couple of months. when her and her partner first decided they were going over there i was pretty much sure it wasnt going to happen, they have 4 grandchildren between them and i could not see them leaving their precious grandkids behind!
but yes, it is happening, the cars are sold, the notice given. its time for them to begin their new chapter together, to experience life in Australia, i look forward to hearing all about their adventures and having Mum back every 6 months 🙂
i had met this guy a couple of months ago, it was off again, on again, slow going, fast going, we had a lot of similarities and many differences too. we were getting on really well and he decided to tell me he was in love with me. well thats nice. he wanted a full relationship. eventually move in together, lets do this. ok, well, can only but give it a go right? wrong. i dont know if he got scared, or what was going through his head. but he turned nasty really fast. He decided to tell me only a few hours after texting me saying he loved me and was thinking of me, that i was too fat, too ugly, too tall, too frigid, too boring, blah blah blah i was not his type and he just thought that because i liked him he would give it a go to see if he could like me, but no it didnt happen.
WTF dude. seriously? im so much better off on my own if people are only going to use me for their own agenda. im sad because i began to trust him, i started to care, bring down my walls a little and he pretty much dropped me from a massive height. i expect more from a 38 year old man with 3 children. more maturity, more respect and a hell of a lot more honesty.
i dont know how long it will be before i meet someone again. im not really that keen right now to be honest. i have other things to think of, and i did when i met this guy too, but i thought he was brought into my life for a reason. but no it just gave me extra unneeded pain that i have no time for and the energy i put into it just wasnt worth it.
im sure one day i will find someone nice.
my self esteem and self confidence is pretty much at an all time low. im working on controlling the stress to control my breakouts, my hair is the longest its ever been, but to be honest i have no idea what to do with it other than ponytail it. so that will be cut again soon i hope! i see clothes i love and fashion that i adore, but i cant afford to dress the way i want to, i guess im still struggling with my identity, with finding Carla. with being who i want to be. i know who i am as a mother, a student, i try to be a good friend, neighbor, support, family member. i dont pretend to be something im not. but when its just me, on my own. i feel a bit lost. i still dont know who i am.
im enjoying my study at the moment, im still not doing as much as i should every day, but i am doing more than i was, im sure gradually i will work up to doing a lot every day, it is just really tiring using my brain all the time, actively learning and thinking. i have another assignment due about the 8th of May, so i will get started on that one real soon 🙂 and i hope for a MUCH better mark than last time!
with Mum skipping the country i need to actively look for another support in my life, i feel now is the time that im ready for some proper therapy, im thinking of Psychotherapy or holistic counselling at this stage but whatever i decide to do they will have to suit me, im writing lists about what i want in a counselor and also what i need to get out of it, what i want to achieve and what i think my therapy should include.
i will keep you posted with how that goes 🙂
My children are amazing, miss 6 is developing into an amazing girl, she is so intellectual and loves to learn, she thrives on reading and writing, she keeps journals and has her own shelf in their bookshelf of her ‘chapter books’ shes just so proud of all she achieves, i adore spending time with her, we hang out, have a great time. the other night i took her to go and see “Rango” thanks to some tickets i got from Paramount Pictures, we had the whole theatre to ourselves, there was noone else there, just us, private screening of Rango for us! it was awesome! we lifted up the arm rests and had couches to blob on! but holy moly i wasnt paying $6 for the smallest box of popcorn! ouch!
miss4 is trouble, haha shes such a joy, but she makes me so tired, she never stops! shes nosy and shes creative and shes stubborn and she has a twinkle in her eye and a spring in her step and she says what she thinks, which, like me, does get her into trouble at times! the hardest thing with us at the moment is dealing with her skin, she is suffering from Psoriasis, which has come out really bad lately, she ended up with some kind of infection that spread sores over her face, so she had to go on Antibiotics and Bactroban cream, but she is now dairy free to help support her skin that way, she has had a Homeopathic remedy made up for her to support her and im giving her flax seed oil, her skin has cleared up really well and so now its a matter of managing it and preventing another break out, or minimising the effects of it.
i havent been able to put up many photos lately because not only have i lost my battery charger for the batteries for my camera, the charger is in the same place for Kaylees camera, so i need to find that at some stage, my phone takes terrible photos!
Bubba Ben, my darling boy, is not only just walking now, he runs, and hes getting really damn quick! not to mention jumping, climbing, rolling, hiding, terrorising! he keeps me very busy, he doesnt stop from the moment he is up in the morning, till the moment he goes down for a nap, he then sleeps, and then hes full on again. he talks, he dances, he sings, and with 2 older sisters you would think he would be a bit ‘soft’ but hes a DUDE! his fave shoes are his black gumboots, he loves Thomas, Bob the builder, and anything with wheels that makes a noise. if its dirty, slimy, grubby or has the potential to be, he is there, some days im bathing him 3 times a day! its crazy to think that in only 3 months he will be 2. hes my baby! i cant have that! might have to breastfeed him till hes 5 :p just to keep him close to me, ya know?
Ben now goes to homecare 3 days a week, its a place he knows well, so there was no settling in period and he is having a great time. i need to start utilising that time a bit better though. half the time i feel a bit lost. i do the food shopping with no kids (bliss!) and a bit of study, but i need to put more energy into leaving the house and going to the library to study, so im actively using my time wisely.
its a new goal for next week 🙂