Change is afoot!

im leaving standard wordpress blogging, thats because ive gone all fancy!!!! ive moved everything over to my new website www.inwonderland.co.nz

i cannot wait for you to visit me there!

its not set up properly yet, there will be lots of changes in the upcoming weeks and i will have something special planned for when its all done :)

so make sure you change your readers and your bookmarks to www.inwonderland.co.nz and keep following my ramblings there

<3

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on other peoples thoughts

kind of carrying on from yesterday about striving for perfection and not settling for good enough is how others thoughts and what you perceive others thoughts to be impact your actions.

firstly someone said to me yesterday, instead of using the word ‘perfection’ use ‘excellence’ i think i like that word, it isnt as scary as ‘perfection’ and yet still you always have that goal to strive for.

but what if you are doing the best you can, you are trying so hard to reach past your goals, you are pushing yourself, but yet still you feel like in the eyes of others you cannot succeed?

i tend to try and mindread others, huge fault of mine because i tend to be usually wrong. i glance, a glare, a smirk, a smile, i will completely misread. a sentence written wrong or a conversation with no meaning i will turn into (in my mind) disapproval.

if in my mind im trying my best and in their mind im failing, or i think thats what is in their mind, that impacts me a lot. this is when i start over explaining myself. which tends to cause confusion and impact myself and everyone around me.

i will say that what others think of me i dont care about. but the truth is even if i dont think it at the time, it does come back to haunt me, i do subconsciously care.

to some degree i think to a point we all care a bit as to what others think of us. but it can become an obsession to the extent where you strive for greatness or you do things to ensure you arent being judged or thought about, you seek their perfection and not yours.

i have to start learning what my own perfection (excellence) really is. because someone elses idea of perfection isnt going to help me be me at the end of the day.

Cx

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striving for perfection and being good enough.

i have all these thoughts in my head, today im rapid cycling, and its triggered by real life situations. i feel quite overwhelmed and very tired after monitoring my mood every second of today and i still havent made it to bed. i think it will be easier to sleep after i get all of this out.

but

i was lying in the bath just now, i put some Jojoba oil from The Jojoba Company in my bath and it felt like i was bathing in silk. it was seriously divine. Anyway, just like how im writing, my thoughts were running away from me as i was relaxing.  you see the things i do are never good enough, i always want to do better and be better, i always want to strive for perfection, but then i thought. What is perfection?

seriously, what is it?

Dictionary definition of Perfect:

per·fect http://img.tfd.com/m/sound.swf (pûrfkt)

adj.

1. Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind.
2. Being without defect or blemish: a perfect specimen.
3. Thoroughly skilled or talented in a certain field or area; proficient.
4. Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation: She was the perfect actress for the part.
5.

a. Completely corresponding to a description, standard, or type: a perfect circle; a perfect gentleman.
b. Accurately reproducing an original: a perfect copy of the painting.
6. Complete; thorough; utter: a perfect fool.
7. Pure; undiluted; unmixed: perfect red.
8. Excellent and delightful in all respects: a perfect day.
9. Botany Having both stamens and pistils in the same flower; monoclinous.
10. Grammar Of, relating to, or constituting a verb form expressing action completed prior to a fixed point of reference in time.
11. Music Designating the three basic intervals of the octave, fourth, and fifth.
n.

1. Grammar The perfect tense.
2. A verb or verb form in the perfect tense.
tr.v. (pr-fktper·fect·edper·fect·ingper·fects

To bring to perfection or completion.

if we dont strive for perfection in everything we do, then are we settling for less than we are able to do? are we settling with ‘good enough’ without reaching ‘incredible’? but if we do always strive for perfection in everything, are we ever satisfied as to where we end up? because we will never ever reach perfection…..

when is ‘good enough’ enough? but how are we meant to make goals and have dreams if we dont want what is perfect for us? if we dont have that perfect ideal in our head as to where we want to be, or what we want to do or achieve, then are we settling for less than what we are capable of and less than what we deserve?

Posted in life oh life, Mental Health | 2 Comments

Tornadoes, emotions and mania.

I wasnt going to write about Tornedos today, only because up till about 3pm this afternoon there was no reason to.

i went to the mall today, met a good friend for coffee, and a great catch up, we joked about people watching and people around us all seemed to be in good spirits, doesnt really matter about the crappy weather outside too much.

about an hour and a half after i left a Tornedo ripped right through the mall and surrounding areas, i wasnt there, i was out the other side of town by that stage however i cannot help but feel very surreal about it all, a bit emotional and a hell of a lot of ‘what ifs’. of course im relieved that neither myself nor my children were anywhere near the place. but it really was a lucky miss.

Another lucky miss was my little sister turning up to the mall just after it hit. she had been putting off her mall visit for an hour or so. missed it by less than half an hour

you could be anywhere, and your life could change when you least expect it. its freakin surreal. it does scare me a little.

hug your babies close, make sure your family knows they are loved.

as expected my mood is elevating, ive had my down patch, and now im feeling myself lift and become higher in mood. increased energy, talking fast, rapid thoughts.

this is the FIRST time ever that i have recognised this from the start. its a HUGE step, massive in my self maintenance of Bipolar.

i dont take mood stabilisers, every stabiliser i have tried, bar one, has reacted with me somehow, making me zombie like or giving me physically ill symptoms, the one that i had no problems with the drs took me off for fear it wasnt working. i still disagree with this. but all i take is Anti Depressants, so when im depressed i have support there via my medication, but, when im elevated i dont have the stabiliser there to level me out.

so i have a few options, i can go to the dr and get some new mood stabilisers, i can flatten out that way. but i risk side effects, i risk zombie symptoms and physical side effects. OR because i have recognised the way my mood is going i can take this as a learning curve and ‘ride the wave’ so to speak, but more so than ever actively manage myself every minute of every day till im through the other side. that means taking check of myself and my mood hourly if i have to, triple checking every decision, ringing someone to double check any decision i make to make sure im thinking rationally and not manically.  it means ensuring i eat well, drink lots of water and get lots of sleep.

its a bit scary. because i tend to think the world cant touch me when im elevated, and i know im not fully there yet, im still climbing. but i have my management plans, i have my goals, i have phone numbers. i will take it easy and work through it, because if i dont learn to do this now, i cannot think of any better time.

so im going to make the most of my increased energy now, and go tidy my room.

ick.

Cx

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just keep swimming

she has a point doesnt she? Dory i mean….

ive been working on rationalising my thoughts the past few days, doing small things that make me happy, concentrating on my family and just being easy on myself. it is the end of the school holidays which makes things seem so much more tiring than the end of a normal week would.

so heres what i have been doing, some basic beading, im working on a few projects, beading helps me escape, i can just relax, forget about the world and work on colours and textures and patterns.

ive been doing some cooking and baking, we had a great time the other night, the night of the royal wedding, i decided the kids and i would have our own style of ‘high tea’ we had bangers and mash, we had scones with cream and jam, meringues with kiwifruit, brocolli (at miss 6’s request…. shes obsessed with the stuff!) little club sandwiches and lemonade, was pretty fun putting it all together and watching the buildup to the wedding with my girls (bubba was in bed by this stage) and what a delightful wedding it was, i cried like a baby! she looked stunning.

just generally doing things i know i will enjoy, to keep me busy and occupied and able to keep going without it feeling like too much of a chore. and because ive been forcing myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other it means that its feeling easier to do so now, the fog is starting to lift and im feeling like tomorrow will be a good day.

my skins still shocking though :(  god bless foundation!

getting there. baby steps huh

Cx

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If you are going through hell, keep going.

ive debated with myself the merits of the post im about to write. but its in my head and i need to get it out. at the end of it will be a photo, of part of my face, its showing the physical signs of my stress and depression at the moment.

if people say the depression cannot be a physical illness, just take a look at the toll its taking on my body.

all the more better to get ontop of it as fast as i can. but even fast isnt fast enough. its still taking time.  it always will take time. we cannot force ourselves to wake up tomorrow feeling awesome. we can hope and pray that this will happen. and one day it might. but im not holding my breath.

right now my brain is turning against me. i know a lot, im constantly researching BiPolar, Depression and other illness. im constantly looking at treatment, test results, my past, whats helped me, what helps others.

but i cannot control my own brain. i have to actively turn all the negative thoughts around. its so hard to do that. especially when your face looks like mine at the moment. my scalp is pretty bad too. therefor my self esteem is shit. confidence is nill. and it is getting worse.

i feel worthless. like im nothing. to noone. i feel like i will never be good enough, everyone wants a better friend, family member, partner, i feel like im a completely ugly fat worthless individual with nothing to offer this world, that everything i do i fail at, everything i touch fucks up. everyone i go near runs away. i feel like others would rather hang out with everyone else in the world rather than me, that my children are happier with other people, that im just a giant piece of shit.  i beat myself up constantly emotionally for not being good enough. house isnt clean enough, car is shit, cant afford a new one so i trash it even more, i hate it, but i cant afford one i will love, animals misbehaving, children misbehaving, outside influences having control of things i cannot.

all of this i feel is my fault. i have done something, said something, become something. im not good enough, havent done enough, didnt see it. i hate myself more than anything else in the world. to me, i am scum. shit at the bottom of your shoe. i am nothing.

emotionally i constantly beat myself up.  the negative self talk is incredibly destructive.

even though when i stop and think rationally i can turn all that around. when im low, teary, hormonal, its what i think. its where i am.

and while its horrible to go through. it doesnt end at the depression.  because for me after the depression comes the mania. and i dont know when thats going to hit. and that isnt just mentally and emotionally destructive it has the potential to be physically destructive too.

but i turn into superwoman. NOTHING can touch me then.

like a yo yo frozen down below at the moment. waiting for the ice to melt a little to climb back up as fast as it possibly can.

i know its going to happen. but i just dont know when.

my face has come out in sores like this:

its all in my head huh?

Cx

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some songs i listen to when i feel a bit icky

sometimes when I feel depressed, music keeps me going, gives me a bit of hope, it ‘talks’ to me, its almost like the lyrics are what i need to hear at the time.

i find hope in music, not so alone and it helps me to reflect and carry on. gives me the strength to continue on and still try. because sometimes it IS so much easier to give up.

here are some of my faves :)

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