ive debated with myself the merits of the post im about to write. but its in my head and i need to get it out. at the end of it will be a photo, of part of my face, its showing the physical signs of my stress and depression at the moment.
if people say the depression cannot be a physical illness, just take a look at the toll its taking on my body.
all the more better to get ontop of it as fast as i can. but even fast isnt fast enough. its still taking time. it always will take time. we cannot force ourselves to wake up tomorrow feeling awesome. we can hope and pray that this will happen. and one day it might. but im not holding my breath.
right now my brain is turning against me. i know a lot, im constantly researching BiPolar, Depression and other illness. im constantly looking at treatment, test results, my past, whats helped me, what helps others.
but i cannot control my own brain. i have to actively turn all the negative thoughts around. its so hard to do that. especially when your face looks like mine at the moment. my scalp is pretty bad too. therefor my self esteem is shit. confidence is nill. and it is getting worse.
i feel worthless. like im nothing. to noone. i feel like i will never be good enough, everyone wants a better friend, family member, partner, i feel like im a completely ugly fat worthless individual with nothing to offer this world, that everything i do i fail at, everything i touch fucks up. everyone i go near runs away. i feel like others would rather hang out with everyone else in the world rather than me, that my children are happier with other people, that im just a giant piece of shit. i beat myself up constantly emotionally for not being good enough. house isnt clean enough, car is shit, cant afford a new one so i trash it even more, i hate it, but i cant afford one i will love, animals misbehaving, children misbehaving, outside influences having control of things i cannot.
all of this i feel is my fault. i have done something, said something, become something. im not good enough, havent done enough, didnt see it. i hate myself more than anything else in the world. to me, i am scum. shit at the bottom of your shoe. i am nothing.
emotionally i constantly beat myself up. the negative self talk is incredibly destructive.
even though when i stop and think rationally i can turn all that around. when im low, teary, hormonal, its what i think. its where i am.
and while its horrible to go through. it doesnt end at the depression. because for me after the depression comes the mania. and i dont know when thats going to hit. and that isnt just mentally and emotionally destructive it has the potential to be physically destructive too.
but i turn into superwoman. NOTHING can touch me then.
like a yo yo frozen down below at the moment. waiting for the ice to melt a little to climb back up as fast as it possibly can.
i know its going to happen. but i just dont know when.
my face has come out in sores like this:
its all in my head huh?